I received an e-mail today from a prospective employee.
I was so taken by his (her?) determination and willingness to work, not to mention the incredible grasp of the English language.

Do you think my reply might have sent the wrong impression though?

manjit singh wrote:
hai im manjit singh im live in australia ego 4rs have good english and good parsnelti im 30 yrs old then i looking good operchunti
-----

Micky replied:
Firstly, you have horrible English, and I dare say don't have a legal right to work in Australia.

Second, what makes you think I have a need for an employee with no apparent experience or ability.

Rather than spamming companies in desperation for work, hitch hike out to an apple farm or jump behind the wheel of a cab like every other illegal immigrant!

Wishing you the best of luck finding work,
The Department of Immigration,
Australia
-----

I think with Manjit at my side, my business will go places!


Places like India!!!

TCPWCCTH - The Colourful People Who Call Conrad Treasury Home

"Excuse me, do you know the RSA trick? I DO! You should know it You've done your RSA!"
Actually lady, I'm a sound guy, don't serve alcohol, why would I need one? But you seem so adamant, please, continue...
"They give you the first drink, and then the second one DOESN'T HAVE ANY ALCOHOL IN IT!!!
I might be a two pot screamer, but seriously this is only my second drink and there's definitely no vodka in it!"
Ok, pretty sure.... they serve enough people to completely forget your existence by the time you order your next drink, not only that, there's how many bar staff, how could they ALL know this is your second: hold the vodka!!!
Second: what about the beer/wine drinkers? They can't exactly flick a switch to suck the alcohol out of the beer as it leaves the tap.
Third: you are WAY too drunk for that to be your second drink.
and Finally: I'm trying to post on facebook right now, I'm being polite by listening but still intentionally anti-social by not responding. TAKE THE GOD DAMN HINT!

She wasn't the first, but she sure was annoying. But.... not the winner tonight either.

"Have you got Toca's Miracle?".... OMG don't you just love being confused for the DJ? Happens so much I feel like drawing some vinyl records and a DJ mixer on the splash cover... that way at least when they make a request I can just nod to the beat and do some fake scratches!
Ok lady, first: I'm the sound guy, not the DJ. "Oh sorry, I thought the sound guy was on stage with the band, and you were the DJ" that's ok easy enough mistake to make. But just to clear it up for next time, if I'm doing stuff ONLY when the band is on stage, and that other guy, is ONLY doing stuff when they're not on stage... you know what forget it, I'm just messing with you, I'll play it right after the band gets off!
Actually, what I think I said was along the lines of "The DJ is on the stage, but not right now, the band is on stage".... which, I'll admit, wasn't the best wording, but got the reply of "I'm not an idiot"... of course not.... you're just requesting an early 00's dance track (which caught me off guard since you're pushing 50), while the band is playing...
Mildly amusing, but hardly a winner.

THE FONZ!!!! well.... almost.... looked kinda like him, but lacked any similarity of personality or fame.... no winner here either.

No, the winner has to be magic, something that combines the essence of TCPWCCTH with coincidence and dramatic timing... or is just completely gross and wrong...
Yes, had it not been for a glassy stealing the 3 drinks I was nursing beside the mixer (sorry for being too busy working [aka facebook] to notice you tidying up my refreshments), and my sudden urge to alleviate my rather full bladder at the start of the last set, if not for all that we may not have tonights winner.
As I proceeded to wash my hands in the male bathroom, tonights winner strikes up conversation (which we all know is forbidden in the men's room):
"I feel a bit embarrassed", why's that mate? as I think of all the possible reasons I notice the rather obvious 'watermark' down the leg of his jeans.
Just to throw him a lifeline and make the situation a little more comfortable: "shit did someone spill their drink on you?"
Alas, too drunk for subtleties: "Nah I wet meself. I'm so embarrassed"... clearly not too embarrassed, seeing you struck up a conversation in a men's room with a total stranger, purely to discuss how embarrassed you are.
"What do I do?"
You mean, apart from 1. Stop drinking, 2. Go home, 3. Have a shower, 4. Check that mummy put the plastic sheet on under the normal sheets...
"Just tell people you spilt your drink"
Last spotted dancing in his pee soaked jeans, as I left for home... tonight's winner, is truely a winner folks. He is proof that, no matter how bad things might seem, you can keep partying like nothing happened. Plus if you smell like pee, people tend to give you more space on the bus ride home!
Perfect time for a Billy maddison quote I think: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis!

TCPWCCTH - The Colourful People Who Call Conrad Treasury Home

I totally need to post my sightings from last nights safari!

Ok... first up we have the typical "I want to deliberatly piss you off" crowd.
Like, little miss "I'm so hot you wouldn't dare kick me out for nearly pushing your mixer off the table..... Oops, I did it again.... Oh and again..... hahahahaa so silly of me! Oh what's that, you've been telling me NOT to lean on it.... Oh i'm sorry"..... personally when she gets married I think she should take on the guy's surname, cuz her current name is pretty long. Maybe marry an asian dude. Mr Li. That sounds good then she can just be called "Bitch Li".

DJ James (gotta love this bloke) found the killer of the night. "Hey wats that dude got strips across his head for?"...... "MAAAATE!!!!! That is the best, THE BEST, sunglasses tan I've ever seen!"

Now, mullets have their place in the pecking order, business out the front, party out the back. But I've seen the MOST indecisive bloke in history. Forehead to ears: bald, A large circular patch on the back of his head: the curls get the girls, And then there was the dreaded rats tail. No seriously, the rats tail... was dreads... plaited!

Almost forgot! No, I'm not a DJ, and NO I can't "remix" the song by "scratching" the Kick drum fader. Now STOP waving your hands around like a retard thinking you're impressing your girlfriend (who just grabbed some other dude's crotch while you were at the bar). That's right, I see EVERYTHING! And dear god I wish I didn't sometimes!

Where to start? Some say the beginning, others say the juicy bits... I'll start with the least interesting, helps build to a climax and we all know how everyone loves a good climax! In a story, people, get your mind out of the gutter!

Let's start with the bloke needing support... not from my sound desk please, I've already told you twice! Boring story, he gets kicked out pretty quick. Leaning on my rope barrier isn't the *best* way to hide the fact you're too drunk to stand.

Now I don't care if your girlfriend is Paris Hilton, if she's going to wear a dress that barely covers her ass (that's not entirely accurate, her ass was visible more often than not), guys will stare at it. But that's no excuse for picking a fight with a bloke, whose mates out number you by 6 (unless your size 0 ass revealing girlfriend can fight, which case, you're still fucked). Or at least if you do pick that fight, don't do it near my mixer!

Lady, you should not be wearing a dress that short! Not the size 0 ass girl, add a 3 in front of that and put her in the same dress. Shake it, shake it, shake it like a... dear god we don't need photos of THAT!

To the drunk guy telling the DJ to stop when I was packing up, yes, yes we were both laughing at you, no the DJ will not play Khe Sahn! In case you hadn't noticed, the only person on the dancefloor not dancing and enjoying the music, is YOU!

To the lady who tried to rip me up for having an attitude, for the last bloody time I'm NOT the DJ, I'm trying to pack up and even if I was the DJ I would not play Cold Chisel at 2:30am in between 2 dance songs. Not gonna happen. Oh... oh... Now you don't believe me and want to climb on stage to talk to the DJ yourself thus being in my road. Yes I have an attitude, and it's because drunk people like you make my job harder by standing on the leads I'm trying to roll! Great, now you're sitting on the front of the stage... Feel that sensation on your ass cheeks? Feels kinda like really smooth rope sliding across... That's the lead you just sat on, and while the rubber part is smooth you're about to find out that the connector on the end is larger and metal.

Mate you should not be wearing a shirt like that. It looks like a penguin strangling a hawaiian (side note: what's so hawaiian about ham and pineapple? do they even have pigs and pineapple farms there? how about fish and coconut, now that'd be a hawaiian pizza! I stand corrected, wikipedia says pineapple and pigs, damn you wiki!).

The highlight of my night though. I think I'm in love. Nothing turns me on more than a good pinch on the bum. It grabs my attention, shows your interest and shows you're not afraid of being dominant and take charge.
Now if only I could overcome these few things: 1) I'm carrying something really heavy and yelling at people (including you a second ago) to get out of my way, not the best time to be holding me up. 2) I'm trying to work, and just like topless waitresses at strip clubs, I really don't enjoy having my ass pinched at work. 3) I am 24, medium build, You are well over 40 and, I'll be diplomatic here and just say, NOT medium build or average or even remotely attractive to me.
So, in keeping with the first point I raised, I'm yelling at people, of course I am going to yell at you. In fact, since you've just committed sexual harassment I about to threaten to have you kicked out. I'm also going to yell that threat loud enough for all your friends to hear (who were so proud of you for pinching my ass).
Oh that's mature, I try to continue on my way (after all I'm carrying a 15kg effects rack) and you slap my ass. Well it is true, I didn't say you couldn't slap my ass, I did say pinch. You got me there. This time I'll cover all bases "I'm trying to do my job. Don't fucking touch me!".
But as I said before... I am in love... which is such a shame... I didn't get a chance to grab her number before she left. But then, she did leave kinda suddenly. Her and her friends all left together, if only I could figure out why they left with those strapping young lads in the security uniforms! Must be the uniforms. Maybe I should get a job that has a uniform, might make it easy to pickup girls.
You would've thought 2 warnings at the top of my lungs was enough.

Well it seems like I have a theme going for TSAD now. And today's will be another security related post!

It will become apparent as you read this that I became increasingly puzzled as to the need for this TSAD, but at the end of the day, if it wasn't necessary to explain it then the eulogy section of the paper would be chock full of people with no net-sense.

For the uninitiated, phishing is not just some illiterate way of spelling 'fishing' but rather a term to describe a new kind of fishing. Where crackers try to catch your login details, by putting out some bait and hoping you bite. The analogy is quite accurate.

Have you ever been tormented by your "friends" jumping online for 5 seconds, with some random display name, only send some garbage like "increase your penis size" "boobs boobs boobs" "check out my latest naughty pics" etc. and a link to the website that apparently contains afformentioned content? Now I have no desire to look at such things, nor do I encourage anyone to click a link that doesn't appear to be a reputable address but next time you get one, click the link. Just for shits and giggles. What you will typically see is a login screen, usually as close as possible to a legitimate Windows Live login. Do Not under any circumstances enter your login details into a webpage like this!

This is a phishing site. What you are looking at is the hook. The bait (more like a lure) was the promise of something great to look at, like naked pics of that friend that you've always had a thing for.
Now common sense would tell you not to click on that link in the first place, let alone enter your login details. But for some reason, people are doing it, and that's why we get sent those annoying messages. Because at some point in time that friend has done just that. Not necessarily for the bait we've been sent, so don't judge them for what they may have been trying to look at.

The most common phishing site that I have seen in recent times is more like fishing with live bait, because then the fish gets to eat something. Even tried one of those useless and annoying tools that automatically does up your myspace profile in pretty colours, animations and background music? Yea, I'm one of those people that HATE those things! Hence why I refuse to use myspace any more. Well those fun things that let you eat the bait (be it a "fully pimped out myspace", 1000327+ emoticons that make ur messages garbage on msn, or a pin-up screensaver of edward cullen) also let you send it to your friends! Which is great, then you can all look like idiots together! (Each to their own I suppose, I just see these things as a waste of time).
What they don't tell you is that when you put your login details for hotmail in (again I must ask why, dear god why are you doing this?) that they might just, just maybe, hang onto them. Keep them in a great list of doom. And then spam the crap out of everyone on your MSN.

So what can you do, aside from the obvious prevention, you know:
* don't bog your computer down with pointless crap,
* don't click links that you don't trust even if they are from people you trust,
* don't enter you login details onto any site except the site they are intended for.

Well the cure is equally obvious: Change you password and secret questions! For more information on that topic, see my earlier TSAD on Password Security.

This has been your local "cool" nerd, Big Milk, with Tech Support Advice of the Day.

Now, I don't claim to be an elitist programmer. I don't even claim to be a good programmer. But I know people who fit into both categories, and I understand their frustration over a certain word.

In my last TSAD post (about password security) you will also note the correct use of the term "Cracker" as opposed to "Hacker".

For the ill-informed, a "Hacker" is someone who writes software that operates at a hardware level. Initially applied to programmers with the skills necessary to build operating systems, write device drivers or write completely embedded software for portable devices. However, it has been misused to represent any programmer doing something illegal or fraudulent.

I would argue that, the term can be correctly applied to any programmer who writes code that deals directly with hardware to do something illegal or fraudulent, however the legality or morality of their actions does not bring about the term, simply the level at which they program. If you got that far any don't have a headache, good for you.

Quite simply, these Crackers do no programming, simply trick people into giving them what they want. So I completely understand why Hacker circles hate the common misconception of the term comparing something so stupid, pointless and hurtful with the complexity and difficulty of being a true Hacker (for good or bad!).

Just a quick TSAD, from your local "cool" nerd, Big Milk

This is a repost from my Facebook (pre-blog). Trying to get it out to as many people as possible.
I apologise for the length, it is a bit of a novel, but you can't sacrifice good advice, to save time reading!

How secure is your information?
Can you really be sure someone hasn't got access to your account?

Recently a very close friend of mine had his account cracked. And I'm about to tell you how they did it.
They didn't need a super computer, or some kind of random password generator, or anything remotely technical.
They talked to him!
They asked him questions, carefully worded to avoid suspicion, and timed perfectly to achieve their goal.

How does that give them your password? It doesn't!
But let me ask you something, how many of you use a hotmail, yahoo, gmail, live e-mail address?
When you first signed up, do you remember what you listed as your "security" question and answer?
Most people set it, and forget it. And that is what these crackers are counting on.
These in-security questions and password recovery systems are great for when you forget your password. It allows you to use a ridiculous password like !@#$%^&*()bob and not have to worry when you forget it. But why have an indcredibly difficult password to crack, when a simple conversation of "I live at ...." and "yeah I have a cat, his name is ollie" will give them access to change your password, and lock you out!

For this reason, I'm calling on all my friends, to check your question, evaluate if it is easy to guess, or if it is something you are likely to tell someone without thinking about it.
If you are able to write your own question, do so, it doesn't have to be a difficult question, just a question that isn't likely to come up in conversation. Like, if i have 5 marshmellows and I eat them, how many have I eaten. The answer is obviously 5, but you could put "heaps" instead.
Of course, doing that means you will need to remember that you didn't just put 5... but, considering how ridiculous the question is, that shouldn't be hard.

Just avoid using preset questions like "favourite/first pets", family details... if you do, you may as well set your password to 'crackme'.

"But, I only have my friends that I chat to, I don't talk to randoms so that'll never happen to me"
Don't think that only people you have just added could be crackers. Anyone you talk to could be a cracker trying to get your information, even if you have known them your whole life.
They may have just been cracked and now the cracker is moving onto you.
If someone is asking questions which you think are strange, trick them up. Just ignore the question. If it's a simple question that shouldn't matter, ignoring it won't seem rude but will throw the cracker off balance, because who ignores a simple question?

But my final word of advice is, never use a secret question answer that is something you tell people, or that is easy to find out. Treat it like a password. Make it hard to remember, after all, you have a question to help you out. If you use a pet's name, you don't even have to chat to someone to give them that information. It could be on your facebook/myspace/blog somewhere, if they are looking for information, they'll go there before asking you and raising suspicion.

This has been Big Milk, with Tech Support Advice of the Day.

Yep, this is the start of something great... or something horrible... either way the fact that you're reading this is amazing enough.

Micky Mellor (a.k.a Big Milk) has started a BLOG!!!

Considering the amount of times I've google my problems and found the solution in another nerd's blog I decided I would start my own in the hopes that the great oracle (google) will direct others to their solutions, should they be found on here.
For those that use the evil oracle (BING! --- inside joke, please don't make me elaborate) I feel your pain... constantly... everytime you bother me with your woes... use a real search engine!

Here's the part where I come up with a really catchy tag line to say at the end of every blog, something generic but witty, then pump it into a database field so I never have to type it again...

Meh.... I'll think of something later.